Work

I work for a Catholic organization. I had gotten the job only a few months after I came back to the church. At first, it was like something out of a fairy tale. I felt like I was doing God’s work, and that I was finally on the right path in my life. However, now that my faith has been shaken again, I am finding it hard to focus on my job. I still love the people, and on certain days the work is fulfilling and I can see why I wanted to get a job here in the first place. But on other days, I feel like my faith is being thrust on me too fast. I like to take things slow when I feel like I am on shaky ground. The whole thing makes me question exactly what a good job is. How do you know what job is right for you? How do you know what gifts God wants you to use, and how do you figure out how to use them in the best possible way?
I know I should go to church especially on those days when I least feel like going, but I can’t seem to find the motivation. Even though I am questioning my purpose in life, I just have put up a wall between me and the church. I’m basically torn in two right now. I feel like by not going, I am punishing myself in ways that I deserve, and on the other side, I feel like I am punishing God by not reconciling with the church, kind of like a rebellious teenager.
I guess you could say that right now I am suffering in my faith life. I still believe in God, but I am having a hard time dealing with the traditions of the church – like going to Mass and confession, which used to be two things that kept me grounded in life. I feel like a lost soul. I’m just wandering around looking for answers in friends and society because I am afraid to go back to the proverbial well.