Trapped

Having a support when you are depressed is important, and can help you get through daily life. My support is my husband, as you all know. But he travels a lot for his work, and when he is gone, I find that I can hardly function and do things that others take for granted – like work, drive, and even stay awake for a whole day. Those things may not seem like a big deal, but when he is gone, they seem like they are insurmountable obstacles. And more often than not, I fail when I try to do them on my own. Even something as simple as driving a few blocks to the stores seems like something I just cant do on my own. And I feel ashamed because of it. I don’t even tell most of my family and friends what it is like for me when he is gone. I know that they just wouldn’t understand.
He bought me a cat so I wouldn’t have to come home to an empty apartment or go to sleep alone, which helps a little, but its still really hard. I know that this a cross I have to bear, and I pray that with God’s help, I can become strong enough to live on my own – even if it is just for a few weeks here and there. But sometimes I feel that I’ll never get better.
Sometimes I lash out at my husband because he goes away so much – but I only do it because I am so afraid of being alone. If he doesn’t answer his phone right away, I wonder who is he is with and what he is doing. I wonder if he likes being away. I have nightmares when he is gone that torment my spirit, and make me afraid to be alone. Here is a quote from Thomas Merton’s Seven Storey Mountain, that makes me think of the crazy things I imagine when he is away:
“The devil is no fool. He can get people feeling about heaven the way they ought to feel about hell. He can make them fear the means of grace the way they do not fear sin. And he does so, not by light but by shadows, not by clarity and substance but by dreams and the creatures of psychosis.”
Does anyone out there have any prayers or advice that help you get through the rough times? If so, please comment.

Meeting God on the Elevator

This was a rough work week for me. I got into a fight with a friend of mine who I also happen to work with. I was so upset by it that even though I love my job, and am firmly committed to it, I thought about the possibility of leaving it. Or at least asking to work from home. She had said many harsh and critical things to me – and perhaps some of them were true (she said that I am not awake in life and add nothing to conversations) – but coming from a friend, the comments hurt even more. It wasn’t so much what she said, even though the things she did say hurt, but how she told me. There was no sympathy or kindness in the delivery. But anyway, I went to leave the office to get some air, and on the way down on the elevator, an amazing thing happened. I met God. He didn’t appear in a flaming bush or in a glowing light – he appeared as a man I never saw in the building before. He got on at the floor right below me.
On the way down, he said, “Having a good day?”
“Yeah,” I replied, even though it wasn’t a good day at all.
“It’s nice to work here, isn’t it?” he asked.
I began to laugh, and said, “sure,” with just a hint of sarcasm.
But he continued. “It’s like working in the magic kingdom,” he said. And I knew he wasn’t joking. He really meant it.
I looked at him for a moment, and replied, “yes, I guess it is.”
“It really is a great place to work,” he said.
By then the ride down was over. He then let me out of the elevator first. We both walked outside. I watched him walk down the street, until he disappeared behind the building.
Maybe it was because of the papal visit, but God has been on my mind lately, and I have been more in tune with my prayers and the signs around me. But for whatever reason, I knew that this was no coincidence. I knew that God was speaking to me. He was telling me to stay at my job. He was telling me that everything was going to be okay.
So I went back upstairs, and, putting the fight behind me, went to the girl I was fighting with, and asked her if she wanted a cup of coffee.

Papal Visit

As you know, the pope has been in New York this past weekend. I have been so blessed to be able to attend two papal events – the youth rally at St. Joseph’s Seminary in Yonkers, and the Mass at Yankee Stadium in the Bronx. He called this trip, Christ Our Hope, and for me, it has been just that. I felt as if he was speaking directly to me at the youth rally, where he spoke for about a half an hour. It was his longest speech on his trip to America.
During his speech at the youth rally, he said, “At times, however, we are tempted to close in on ourselves, to doubt the strength of Christ’s radiance, to limit the horizon of hope,” he said. His words were so inspiring. How many times do we “close in on ourselves” and in effect place ourselves in darkness. And why should we do this, when we can find light and hope in God?
After his trip, I feel so renewed in my faith. I want to go out and live a better life. There is so much hope in the world. There is so much to be gained by believing.
He talked about the lives of the saints and said, “Inflamed with the love of Jesus, their lives became remarkable journeys of hope.” Later, he added, “For each there was an act of abandonment to God, in confidence that he is the final destination of every pilgrim.” After this weekend, I feel that I am becoming enflamed with love, and filled with hope. And I hope that soon, I can understand what it means to truly abandon all to God. I know I cannot do it to the same degree that the saints did it, but I hope and pray that I can abandon those things that God wants me to abandon. I felt like God was telling me, through the pope, that there are things that we all need to let go of. What a wonderful feeling!
Twice during his speech, he said with great enthusiasm, to have courage. That is what people need. Courage. Courage to live the life that God wants us to live. And that is, what I think, the pope gave us. Now we just have to accept it, and use it. I hope to carry the moments and feelings of joy, and yes, of hope, from this papal trip with me for my pilgrimage through life.

Suffering

Why does God allow suffering? That question has been asked throughout time. I don’t pretend to have the answer, but I do have my own beliefs. They may not be right, but it feels true in my heart and gives me some peace. Please feel free to comment if you agree or disagree.
There is a battle for souls – unseen, but not unfelt. And while I don’t believe that God causes suffering, I do believe he allows it. Not as a test, but more as a way to burnish your soul the way a blacksmith would burnish a sword. The more temptation and sin grab hold of you, the hotter the fire becomes. But at the end, when you emerge, you come out changed – probably not unscathed – but changed, and hopefully for the better.
There are minor tests every day but the major events in your life – tragedy, death, sickness – are the things that can make or break your faith.
The devil is sneaky. He will make you believe things that aren’t true and good, and make you think they are just that. Depression has always been my biggest battle in life, and that shaded all of my relationships with others. I was always looking for souls like mine – dark, cynical souls that cried deeply for a connection with another. I thought I had found such a kindred spirit a few years ago in one of my old professors from college. We connected intellectually, and were both battling with the ideas of faith. He hated the Catholic religion, and for many reasons that will remain unnamed, I didn’t blame him. But we grew close to each other and emailed frequently and hung out as often as we could. We were friends. But one night, things got out of hand – I blacked out and when I "came to" we were too close for comfort. I was in a relationship, and he was married. This was definitely wrong. If I had wanted to, I could have stayed in contact with this man, who I truly felt I had a connection with, but with the help of God - I saw this relationship for what it was. It was toxic. It had the potential to be a lasting friendship if boundaries could have been kept, or it could have become detrimental to both our lives. I had to cut off contact with him. I’m not going to lie. It was hard to do. I suffered. Especially emotionally. But I knew that for my soul, and for his, I had to do what was right in the eyes of God. The battle was hard, the price was great, but hopefully the reward will be greater.

A Lot Like Love

I’ve been married for almost a year now. For those of you who are depressed, love may not come as easily as it does for some people. But one of my good Catholic friends told me that love is a decision. That goes against everything that society tells us about love. I am an avid watcher of romance movies and romantic comedies. And in these movies love is inseparable from passion and sex. But being passionate about anything in life when you are depressed is hard. I know. I’ve been there. But being married has shown me what true love is. It’s not something that can be captured on the big screen. It’s truly exemplified in what Jesus said – to love you must be willing to lay down your life for your spouse. That is hard in a world in which being ego-centric is looked so highly upon. And it’s hard when you are stuck in your own head, in your own crazy world. But it’s not impossible. For me, true love meant being able to give up my feelings of depression, to work through them so that I could look out of myself and see my husband. At first it was a struggle, and I wondered if maybe I shouldn’t have married in the first place. Maybe I was too sick to be with someone else. But my husband was patient. He stood by me through my dark nights. And there were many dark nights. But with prayer, a little bit of good therapy!, and time, things slowly started getting better. Now I can look at those movies and see them for what they really are – fantasy. They aren’t real life. Not even close.