Good Friday

Today is Good Friday. The day that Jesus died for our sins. It is a reverent day, and one that always brings with it sadness. For me, it is a day of recollection. A day to remember my sins, and the reason Jesus died for them. It is also a time when I try to look forward to Easter and the resurrection. We are lucky in a way that the apostles were not. We know that the resurrection is coming. But has there been a time in your life when you didn’t realize that happiness and joy were coming? When all the minutes, hours, and days of your life feel like Good Friday?
For me, there were many days like that, and sometimes, if I’m not careful, I still suffer from that feeling – that unexplainable sadness and darkness and the feeling that things will not get better. But thankfully, since my return to the Church, those days are getting further and further apart, and are not lasting nearly as long. That is something that faith brings with it – hope. Hope for the future and better days. Hope for a resurrection.
I figured this would be the best time of the year, liturgically speaking, to write about my own resurrection – at least part of it. I hope that it helps those out there who feel like everything is hopeless – there is hope. And I pray that people learn that from my story.
As you can read in the “purpose of this blog” section, I had attempted to kill myself about eight years ago. I couldn’t see the light, I was away from God, and thought that God had abandoned me. I didn’t think there was anything left to live for, and was tired of living in pain, in shame, and in anger. I didn’t think I could bear my cross any longer. So I tried to end it all. While I am not yet ready to go into all the details – I ended up in a psych hospital for about a week. During that time, I was alone. No one came to visit me. The only one who called was my boyfriend at the time, who is now my husband. And those calls, because I was in another country at the time, were only possible once a day, and I was only allowed to stay on for a few minutes, just long enough for him to say, I love you. But I began to look forward to those calls. I realized that someone loved me. That someone would be there for me. And I had taken him for granted. It was easy to do because we were so far apart. At the time I didn’t realize it, but now, I can look back and see that that relationship is similar to my relationship with Jesus.
We may think that Jesus is far apart, and may not even realize when he is calling us. And those moments when he appears in our life may be brief. But they are there just long enough for us to realize that He loves us. It could be something simple. For me, its those days when I feel a bit of happiness, even if its only for a minute. Or when someone says the exact thing that I need to hear. They may not seem like much at the time, but when we look back, we can see the love that God has for us in them.
So on this Good Friday, when the world is in darkness, think of your pain. Think of your cross, and then think of Jesus who died for us. And remember, that that is the biggest act of love – and soon, it will bring with it hope.

Stations of the Cross

I have prayed the Stations of the Cross since I was a child, but meditating on the stations never really meant much to me before. This Lent, I came back to stations and found so much comfort in them that I had to write a post about them. I have written out the stations based on John Paul II’s Way of the Cross. After each station, is my own personal meditation on it. I hope that perhaps you, too, will find comfort in the stations. To remember that Jesus loved me so much that he was willing to suffer and die for me, for us, is powerful. I hope that as each of you carry your cross, you remember Jesus.

FIRST STATION: Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane
Dear Jesus, although I may feel alone, just as you did in the garden, help me to remember that you know what it feels like. I am never truly alone if you are with me. Even if friends disappoint me, you are there beside me.

SECOND STATION: Jesus, Betrayed by Judas, is Arrested
Dear Jesus, when friends betray me, help me to remain strong in my faith. Though I may feel weak, confused and hurt, help me to move forward. Help me to forgive those that betray me. Although I may never forget their hurts, let me forgive, for love of you.

THIRD STATION: Jesus is Condemned by the Sanhedrin
Dear Jesus, if people question me on my faith, help me to remain strong before their questions.

FOURTH STATION: Jesus is Denied by Peter
Dear Jesus, even my friends may leave me in my times of darkness and depression. They may turn away and not know how to deal with me. Please help me to remember that even so, they love me. Please help me to remember when they were there for me when I feel as if I have been abandoned.

FIFTH STATION: Jesus is Judged by Pilate
Dear Jesus, when people judge me because of my past, or my depression, help me to remain strong. Let me amaze them by being true to my faith and my new path, just like you amazed Pilate with your strength.

SIXTH STATION: Jesus is Scourged and Crowned With Thorns
Dear Jesus, when I feel as if my pain is too much to bear, remind me that you were once crowned with thorns. Let me count each thorn in my soul as a blessing from you.

SEVENTH STATION: Jesus Bears the Cross
Dear Jesus, help me to carry my cross just as you carried the cross for me. Help me to see that even though I am suffering, you wouldn’t give me more than I could bear.

EIGHTH STATION: Jesus is Helped by Simon the Cyrenian to Carry the Cross
Dear Jesus, please help me to recognize when someone comes into my life to help me to carry my burdens, just like Simon helped you with the cross. Please let me never take them for granted.

NINTH STATION: Jesus Meets the Women of Jerusalem
Dear Jesus, please help me so that I don’t make people pity me or cry for my troubles. You tried to comfort the women f Jerusalem even though you were alone and in so much pain. Please help me so I never wallow in self-pity.

TENTH STATION: Jesus is Crucified
Dear Jesus, when people trespass against me, help me to remember the words of your prayer so that I can forgive them just as you forgave those who crucified you.

ELEVENTH STATION: Jesus Promises His Kingdom to the Good Thief
Dear Jesus, allow me to be like the good thief. When I do wrong, let me admit to it and ask for your forgiveness. May I never take your mercy for granted.

TWELFTH STATION: Jesus Speaks to His Mother and the Disciple
Dear Jesus, please help me to talk to others when I am down. Even though it may be hard to talk to them, help me to see who my true friends are, and allow me to lean on them for support.

THIRTEENTH STATION: Jesus Dies on the Cross
Dear Jesus, when I feel like my whole world is darkness, please help me to remember that you died for me. Even though I am not worthy of you, and am a sinner, help me to remember that you still love me, and loved me so much that you were willing to die for my sins.

FOURTEENTH STATION: Jesus is Placed in the Tomb
Dear Jesus, please pray for me, and allow me to see that I am never alone.

Padre Pio and the Saints

I’ve always found it hard to pray with the saints. I don’t think I could ever relate to people who have such conviction and live such holy lives. Although their lives are appealing, I have a hard time feeling a connection to them. I was just reading about Padre Pio online the other day. They are exhuming him so people can view his body in commemoration of his death forty years ago. He was made a saint in 2002. The article says that the stigmata are not visible on his body. I think that is why it is so hard to pray to the saints. It seems that most of the world is in disbelief of the saints – especially the present day saints. Padre Pio was known for having the stigmata, and for fighting with the devil at night.
I can imagine the life of Padre Pio in my mind. A life lived in difficulty. Fighting demons. And having something that probably caused him a great deal of shame, or if not shame, embarrassment – with the stigmata.
Like Padre Pio, we all have our devils. We all have the demons that we have to fight at night. But actually fighting with the devil is something I hope I never have to do. I find it hard enough to battle with the small demons that haunt me at night. This is why I find it hard to pray with the saints – I’m not worthy enough to speak with them.
And like Padre Pio, we all have our own forms of the stigmata. We all have things that define us, and at the same time shame us. These are the things that give us character – and hopefully, if we can be anything like Padre Pio, we can see the image of God in them.
But even so. Even though I know deep down inside that I am not worthy to pray with them, I do sometimes try to pray to them. I try to remember that they were human, after all. Yes, they did have to do things in a more profound way, but perhaps by praying to them, and looking at their lives, I can gain a little bit of strength to go on with my own. So, I’d like you all to take the time to pray with me, and look at the lives of the saints, and try to incorporate their lives into our own.