The Struggle

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

I went to confession the other night, and listened to the priest who betrayed me speak about forgiveness and reconciliation. God works in strange ways. I knew there was a chance that he would be there, but was surprised to see that he would be the one to speak. But I found that with my husband by my side, I was able to remain strong and stay. I tried to listen, but his words could not break through to my heart. It was that night and the night that followed that made me realize that sadness and suffering are keeping me closed off from God’s love. It is a place that I don’t want to be. In a way I was glad that he was there. After some guidance and listening to God, I realized that I needed to speak to him. I must admit, I was curious to see if he felt remorse for what he had done. So after the service, I spoke to him. I told him how much I had been hurt by his actions and told him I wanted to put the past behind me. I don’t know what I expected him to say. Since he is a priest, I expected to hear the word of God through him, and know that everything was going to be okay – that we had each learned a lesson through this experience. Instead, I was disappointed. He said he had no ill feelings for me, of which I was glad, and he did say that he was sorry. But he still tried to rationalize what he had done, and said there was no sexual intent. I felt like in his eyes, since his so-called motive was to heal, the physical action meant no harm. I have been in situations like that myself. Where I hurt someone by my actions without meaning to. That, however, doesn’t mean that the action is right. It’s not an excuse. I want to believe that he meant no harm, but how can I? After speaking with a few Catholic experts – including priests and religious brothers and sisters, they all said the same thing. A kiss is a kiss. And there is no reason for a priest to kiss a woman on the lips.
It wasn’t the outcome or the meeting I expected. And I don’t know what I will do now. But I am thankful to God for giving me the strength to go back to confession, for the strength to speak to this man, this priest, after this pain, and, through other priests and people -- for seeing his hand in my life again. It is now up to me to reach out and take hold.