Decisions, Decisions

I have an opportunity to go to confession tonight. The church I used to go to is having a parish mission, and priests will be available for the sacrament. I can’t decide what I want to do. Part of me is afraid the priest I used to go to confession will be there. In that case, what do I say and how do I react? Should I avoid the situation all together? I haven’t been to confession, or to church, since Ash Wednesday. Am I ready to make the step to join the ranks again? Am I emotionally strong enough to possibly come face to face with the priest again? I just don’t know. I want to say that I can do this. That I am strong enough to go. And I have to admit, I’m tired of living my life in fear of people and situations. I’m tired of hiding secrets in my soul.
At the same time, it’s hard for me to listen to God. What if I go and still feel the same afterwards, or worse? When I first started going back to church, it took me a while to feel anything. My heart was stone, and not even God’s love could get through easily. This time, I feel as if I’ve lost my heart. The mission is such an important part of my life. I really believed it saved me when I first went years ago – not right away, but it gave me hope – and faith. Part of me is hoping that it can save me again. I went into that first mission with so much pain and suffering, but it cracked through that heart of mine. This time, I feel like I am dead inside. I hope that God shows his presence to me if I do get enough nerve to go. I hope he re-lights that fire and wakes me up once again.