Circle of Confession

“Lord, I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and I shall be healed.”

Those words have always had a special place in my heart. When I hear them at Mass, I am transported back to the first Mass after really coming back into the Church. It was confession that brought me back, and ironically, it is confession that has made me falter in my faith again. While I haven’t gone totally back to my pagan ways – I still have moments of prayer and hope as you can see from my previous postings – but I am not as close to the Church as I would like, or as I once was.
Three years ago, I came back to God. Through the power of a wonderful confession experience, I learned how to forgive those who have trespassed against me, and how to forgive myself. It didn’t happen instantaneously in that one moment of confession, but it was that moment of peace that only confession can bring that made me want God more in my life. I began talking to those in a religious order who gave me spiritual direction and hope for the future. One of them was a priest – the one who I went to confession with. From that experience, a friendship formed. And I thought I was moving further and further along my faith journey.
However, on Ash Wednesday, things changed. And the time of confession, which I considered my favorite part of my newly discovered faith, became a moment that once again made me falter on my path. While in confession, the priest that I had grown to love and admire for his spiritual wisdom, betrayed my trust. He kissed me, and claimed that the action was a “holy kiss.”
At first I didn’t know if this was a real practice or not. After consulting those who would know, I found out that there is no such thing as a holy kiss between a man and a woman in the church. When my husband and I confronted the priest about this action – about a week later, since it took me that long to gain the strength to even tell my husband – he said he did it because he saw how much pain I was still in from past events in my life.
This betrayal of trust made me so upset that I stopped going to church on a regular basis. And I haven’t been to confession since. The wound is still there. Sometimes I wonder if those moments where I experience God and true understanding are just me searching for answers that aren’t really there. On dark days, like today, I know somewhere in my heart that God loves me, but it’s hard to see Him at these times. Most days I can put the pain behind me. And most days I can open myself to God, but today is not most days. Today I am writing from the darkness. Evil thoughts are hard to control. And sometimes, even though I haven’t lose my faith completely, I lose grasp ever so slightly. I just hope that I can grab hold again.

One Foot In

“Who has a harder fight than he who is striving to overcome himself.” – Thomas a Kempis

I can’t commit. One thing that I have started to realize is that I am not fully immersing myself in life. I do most things half-assed. Work. Marriage. Writing. All things that I know I have to be fully involved with. Yet there is a demon inside my soul that tempts me with fear of commitment. It lies to me and tells me that I won’t get hurt if I don’t fully involve myself in the above things. Like Thomas a Kempis said, its hard to fight with yourself. I’ve lived this way so long that at times I don’t know if I can live any other way. But on days when I do commit myself to my work, and my marriage, and writing, I feel so much better. Even still, once those feelings of contentment start to fade, and another day begins, the same lies that I feed myself come back to haunt me. I don’t know how many of you are like that, but throughout life, I have built a wall of these lies to protect myself. But instead of helping me, they have trapped me. Each day is a struggle to find happiness. But it is there. I just have to take that second step.
Prayer is a helpful tool when battling the lies that have become truths in our lives. I pray that God will keep me on the right path in life. I know that He will not make that path for us, we have to do that ourselves, but once we are on it, we just have to commit ourselves to the idea that we are where we are supposed to be. Knowing that may help us continue.