Trapped

Having a support when you are depressed is important, and can help you get through daily life. My support is my husband, as you all know. But he travels a lot for his work, and when he is gone, I find that I can hardly function and do things that others take for granted – like work, drive, and even stay awake for a whole day. Those things may not seem like a big deal, but when he is gone, they seem like they are insurmountable obstacles. And more often than not, I fail when I try to do them on my own. Even something as simple as driving a few blocks to the stores seems like something I just cant do on my own. And I feel ashamed because of it. I don’t even tell most of my family and friends what it is like for me when he is gone. I know that they just wouldn’t understand.
He bought me a cat so I wouldn’t have to come home to an empty apartment or go to sleep alone, which helps a little, but its still really hard. I know that this a cross I have to bear, and I pray that with God’s help, I can become strong enough to live on my own – even if it is just for a few weeks here and there. But sometimes I feel that I’ll never get better.
Sometimes I lash out at my husband because he goes away so much – but I only do it because I am so afraid of being alone. If he doesn’t answer his phone right away, I wonder who is he is with and what he is doing. I wonder if he likes being away. I have nightmares when he is gone that torment my spirit, and make me afraid to be alone. Here is a quote from Thomas Merton’s Seven Storey Mountain, that makes me think of the crazy things I imagine when he is away:
“The devil is no fool. He can get people feeling about heaven the way they ought to feel about hell. He can make them fear the means of grace the way they do not fear sin. And he does so, not by light but by shadows, not by clarity and substance but by dreams and the creatures of psychosis.”
Does anyone out there have any prayers or advice that help you get through the rough times? If so, please comment.