One Foot In

“Who has a harder fight than he who is striving to overcome himself.” – Thomas a Kempis

I can’t commit. One thing that I have started to realize is that I am not fully immersing myself in life. I do most things half-assed. Work. Marriage. Writing. All things that I know I have to be fully involved with. Yet there is a demon inside my soul that tempts me with fear of commitment. It lies to me and tells me that I won’t get hurt if I don’t fully involve myself in the above things. Like Thomas a Kempis said, its hard to fight with yourself. I’ve lived this way so long that at times I don’t know if I can live any other way. But on days when I do commit myself to my work, and my marriage, and writing, I feel so much better. Even still, once those feelings of contentment start to fade, and another day begins, the same lies that I feed myself come back to haunt me. I don’t know how many of you are like that, but throughout life, I have built a wall of these lies to protect myself. But instead of helping me, they have trapped me. Each day is a struggle to find happiness. But it is there. I just have to take that second step.
Prayer is a helpful tool when battling the lies that have become truths in our lives. I pray that God will keep me on the right path in life. I know that He will not make that path for us, we have to do that ourselves, but once we are on it, we just have to commit ourselves to the idea that we are where we are supposed to be. Knowing that may help us continue.