Good Friday

Today is Good Friday. The day that Jesus died for our sins. It is a reverent day, and one that always brings with it sadness. For me, it is a day of recollection. A day to remember my sins, and the reason Jesus died for them. It is also a time when I try to look forward to Easter and the resurrection. We are lucky in a way that the apostles were not. We know that the resurrection is coming. But has there been a time in your life when you didn’t realize that happiness and joy were coming? When all the minutes, hours, and days of your life feel like Good Friday?
For me, there were many days like that, and sometimes, if I’m not careful, I still suffer from that feeling – that unexplainable sadness and darkness and the feeling that things will not get better. But thankfully, since my return to the Church, those days are getting further and further apart, and are not lasting nearly as long. That is something that faith brings with it – hope. Hope for the future and better days. Hope for a resurrection.
I figured this would be the best time of the year, liturgically speaking, to write about my own resurrection – at least part of it. I hope that it helps those out there who feel like everything is hopeless – there is hope. And I pray that people learn that from my story.
As you can read in the “purpose of this blog” section, I had attempted to kill myself about eight years ago. I couldn’t see the light, I was away from God, and thought that God had abandoned me. I didn’t think there was anything left to live for, and was tired of living in pain, in shame, and in anger. I didn’t think I could bear my cross any longer. So I tried to end it all. While I am not yet ready to go into all the details – I ended up in a psych hospital for about a week. During that time, I was alone. No one came to visit me. The only one who called was my boyfriend at the time, who is now my husband. And those calls, because I was in another country at the time, were only possible once a day, and I was only allowed to stay on for a few minutes, just long enough for him to say, I love you. But I began to look forward to those calls. I realized that someone loved me. That someone would be there for me. And I had taken him for granted. It was easy to do because we were so far apart. At the time I didn’t realize it, but now, I can look back and see that that relationship is similar to my relationship with Jesus.
We may think that Jesus is far apart, and may not even realize when he is calling us. And those moments when he appears in our life may be brief. But they are there just long enough for us to realize that He loves us. It could be something simple. For me, its those days when I feel a bit of happiness, even if its only for a minute. Or when someone says the exact thing that I need to hear. They may not seem like much at the time, but when we look back, we can see the love that God has for us in them.
So on this Good Friday, when the world is in darkness, think of your pain. Think of your cross, and then think of Jesus who died for us. And remember, that that is the biggest act of love – and soon, it will bring with it hope.