Having a support when you are depressed is important, and can help you get through daily life. My support is my husband, as you all know. But he travels a lot for his work, and when he is gone, I find that I can hardly function and do things that others take for granted – like work, drive, and even stay awake for a whole day. Those things may not seem like a big deal, but when he is gone, they seem like they are insurmountable obstacles. And more often than not, I fail when I try to do them on my own. Even something as simple as driving a few blocks to the stores seems like something I just cant do on my own. And I feel ashamed because of it. I don’t even tell most of my family and friends what it is like for me when he is gone. I know that they just wouldn’t understand.
He bought me a cat so I wouldn’t have to come home to an empty apartment or go to sleep alone, which helps a little, but its still really hard. I know that this a cross I have to bear, and I pray that with God’s help, I can become strong enough to live on my own – even if it is just for a few weeks here and there. But sometimes I feel that I’ll never get better.
Sometimes I lash out at my husband because he goes away so much – but I only do it because I am so afraid of being alone. If he doesn’t answer his phone right away, I wonder who is he is with and what he is doing. I wonder if he likes being away. I have nightmares when he is gone that torment my spirit, and make me afraid to be alone. Here is a quote from Thomas Merton’s Seven Storey Mountain, that makes me think of the crazy things I imagine when he is away:
“The devil is no fool. He can get people feeling about heaven the way they ought to feel about hell. He can make them fear the means of grace the way they do not fear sin. And he does so, not by light but by shadows, not by clarity and substance but by dreams and the creatures of psychosis.”
Does anyone out there have any prayers or advice that help you get through the rough times? If so, please comment.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Meeting God on the Elevator
This was a rough work week for me. I got into a fight with a friend of mine who I also happen to work with. I was so upset by it that even though I love my job, and am firmly committed to it, I thought about the possibility of leaving it. Or at least asking to work from home. She had said many harsh and critical things to me – and perhaps some of them were true (she said that I am not awake in life and add nothing to conversations) – but coming from a friend, the comments hurt even more. It wasn’t so much what she said, even though the things she did say hurt, but how she told me. There was no sympathy or kindness in the delivery. But anyway, I went to leave the office to get some air, and on the way down on the elevator, an amazing thing happened. I met God. He didn’t appear in a flaming bush or in a glowing light – he appeared as a man I never saw in the building before. He got on at the floor right below me.
On the way down, he said, “Having a good day?”
“Yeah,” I replied, even though it wasn’t a good day at all.
“It’s nice to work here, isn’t it?” he asked.
I began to laugh, and said, “sure,” with just a hint of sarcasm.
But he continued. “It’s like working in the magic kingdom,” he said. And I knew he wasn’t joking. He really meant it.
I looked at him for a moment, and replied, “yes, I guess it is.”
“It really is a great place to work,” he said.
By then the ride down was over. He then let me out of the elevator first. We both walked outside. I watched him walk down the street, until he disappeared behind the building.
Maybe it was because of the papal visit, but God has been on my mind lately, and I have been more in tune with my prayers and the signs around me. But for whatever reason, I knew that this was no coincidence. I knew that God was speaking to me. He was telling me to stay at my job. He was telling me that everything was going to be okay.
So I went back upstairs, and, putting the fight behind me, went to the girl I was fighting with, and asked her if she wanted a cup of coffee.
On the way down, he said, “Having a good day?”
“Yeah,” I replied, even though it wasn’t a good day at all.
“It’s nice to work here, isn’t it?” he asked.
I began to laugh, and said, “sure,” with just a hint of sarcasm.
But he continued. “It’s like working in the magic kingdom,” he said. And I knew he wasn’t joking. He really meant it.
I looked at him for a moment, and replied, “yes, I guess it is.”
“It really is a great place to work,” he said.
By then the ride down was over. He then let me out of the elevator first. We both walked outside. I watched him walk down the street, until he disappeared behind the building.
Maybe it was because of the papal visit, but God has been on my mind lately, and I have been more in tune with my prayers and the signs around me. But for whatever reason, I knew that this was no coincidence. I knew that God was speaking to me. He was telling me to stay at my job. He was telling me that everything was going to be okay.
So I went back upstairs, and, putting the fight behind me, went to the girl I was fighting with, and asked her if she wanted a cup of coffee.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Papal Visit
As you know, the pope has been in New York this past weekend. I have been so blessed to be able to attend two papal events – the youth rally at St. Joseph’s Seminary in Yonkers, and the Mass at Yankee Stadium in the Bronx. He called this trip, Christ Our Hope, and for me, it has been just that. I felt as if he was speaking directly to me at the youth rally, where he spoke for about a half an hour. It was his longest speech on his trip to America.
During his speech at the youth rally, he said, “At times, however, we are tempted to close in on ourselves, to doubt the strength of Christ’s radiance, to limit the horizon of hope,” he said. His words were so inspiring. How many times do we “close in on ourselves” and in effect place ourselves in darkness. And why should we do this, when we can find light and hope in God?
After his trip, I feel so renewed in my faith. I want to go out and live a better life. There is so much hope in the world. There is so much to be gained by believing.
He talked about the lives of the saints and said, “Inflamed with the love of Jesus, their lives became remarkable journeys of hope.” Later, he added, “For each there was an act of abandonment to God, in confidence that he is the final destination of every pilgrim.” After this weekend, I feel that I am becoming enflamed with love, and filled with hope. And I hope that soon, I can understand what it means to truly abandon all to God. I know I cannot do it to the same degree that the saints did it, but I hope and pray that I can abandon those things that God wants me to abandon. I felt like God was telling me, through the pope, that there are things that we all need to let go of. What a wonderful feeling!
Twice during his speech, he said with great enthusiasm, to have courage. That is what people need. Courage. Courage to live the life that God wants us to live. And that is, what I think, the pope gave us. Now we just have to accept it, and use it. I hope to carry the moments and feelings of joy, and yes, of hope, from this papal trip with me for my pilgrimage through life.
During his speech at the youth rally, he said, “At times, however, we are tempted to close in on ourselves, to doubt the strength of Christ’s radiance, to limit the horizon of hope,” he said. His words were so inspiring. How many times do we “close in on ourselves” and in effect place ourselves in darkness. And why should we do this, when we can find light and hope in God?
After his trip, I feel so renewed in my faith. I want to go out and live a better life. There is so much hope in the world. There is so much to be gained by believing.
He talked about the lives of the saints and said, “Inflamed with the love of Jesus, their lives became remarkable journeys of hope.” Later, he added, “For each there was an act of abandonment to God, in confidence that he is the final destination of every pilgrim.” After this weekend, I feel that I am becoming enflamed with love, and filled with hope. And I hope that soon, I can understand what it means to truly abandon all to God. I know I cannot do it to the same degree that the saints did it, but I hope and pray that I can abandon those things that God wants me to abandon. I felt like God was telling me, through the pope, that there are things that we all need to let go of. What a wonderful feeling!
Twice during his speech, he said with great enthusiasm, to have courage. That is what people need. Courage. Courage to live the life that God wants us to live. And that is, what I think, the pope gave us. Now we just have to accept it, and use it. I hope to carry the moments and feelings of joy, and yes, of hope, from this papal trip with me for my pilgrimage through life.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Suffering
Why does God allow suffering? That question has been asked throughout time. I don’t pretend to have the answer, but I do have my own beliefs. They may not be right, but it feels true in my heart and gives me some peace. Please feel free to comment if you agree or disagree.
There is a battle for souls – unseen, but not unfelt. And while I don’t believe that God causes suffering, I do believe he allows it. Not as a test, but more as a way to burnish your soul the way a blacksmith would burnish a sword. The more temptation and sin grab hold of you, the hotter the fire becomes. But at the end, when you emerge, you come out changed – probably not unscathed – but changed, and hopefully for the better.
There are minor tests every day but the major events in your life – tragedy, death, sickness – are the things that can make or break your faith.
The devil is sneaky. He will make you believe things that aren’t true and good, and make you think they are just that. Depression has always been my biggest battle in life, and that shaded all of my relationships with others. I was always looking for souls like mine – dark, cynical souls that cried deeply for a connection with another. I thought I had found such a kindred spirit a few years ago in one of my old professors from college. We connected intellectually, and were both battling with the ideas of faith. He hated the Catholic religion, and for many reasons that will remain unnamed, I didn’t blame him. But we grew close to each other and emailed frequently and hung out as often as we could. We were friends. But one night, things got out of hand – I blacked out and when I "came to" we were too close for comfort. I was in a relationship, and he was married. This was definitely wrong. If I had wanted to, I could have stayed in contact with this man, who I truly felt I had a connection with, but with the help of God - I saw this relationship for what it was. It was toxic. It had the potential to be a lasting friendship if boundaries could have been kept, or it could have become detrimental to both our lives. I had to cut off contact with him. I’m not going to lie. It was hard to do. I suffered. Especially emotionally. But I knew that for my soul, and for his, I had to do what was right in the eyes of God. The battle was hard, the price was great, but hopefully the reward will be greater.
There is a battle for souls – unseen, but not unfelt. And while I don’t believe that God causes suffering, I do believe he allows it. Not as a test, but more as a way to burnish your soul the way a blacksmith would burnish a sword. The more temptation and sin grab hold of you, the hotter the fire becomes. But at the end, when you emerge, you come out changed – probably not unscathed – but changed, and hopefully for the better.
There are minor tests every day but the major events in your life – tragedy, death, sickness – are the things that can make or break your faith.
The devil is sneaky. He will make you believe things that aren’t true and good, and make you think they are just that. Depression has always been my biggest battle in life, and that shaded all of my relationships with others. I was always looking for souls like mine – dark, cynical souls that cried deeply for a connection with another. I thought I had found such a kindred spirit a few years ago in one of my old professors from college. We connected intellectually, and were both battling with the ideas of faith. He hated the Catholic religion, and for many reasons that will remain unnamed, I didn’t blame him. But we grew close to each other and emailed frequently and hung out as often as we could. We were friends. But one night, things got out of hand – I blacked out and when I "came to" we were too close for comfort. I was in a relationship, and he was married. This was definitely wrong. If I had wanted to, I could have stayed in contact with this man, who I truly felt I had a connection with, but with the help of God - I saw this relationship for what it was. It was toxic. It had the potential to be a lasting friendship if boundaries could have been kept, or it could have become detrimental to both our lives. I had to cut off contact with him. I’m not going to lie. It was hard to do. I suffered. Especially emotionally. But I knew that for my soul, and for his, I had to do what was right in the eyes of God. The battle was hard, the price was great, but hopefully the reward will be greater.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
A Lot Like Love
I’ve been married for almost a year now. For those of you who are depressed, love may not come as easily as it does for some people. But one of my good Catholic friends told me that love is a decision. That goes against everything that society tells us about love. I am an avid watcher of romance movies and romantic comedies. And in these movies love is inseparable from passion and sex. But being passionate about anything in life when you are depressed is hard. I know. I’ve been there. But being married has shown me what true love is. It’s not something that can be captured on the big screen. It’s truly exemplified in what Jesus said – to love you must be willing to lay down your life for your spouse. That is hard in a world in which being ego-centric is looked so highly upon. And it’s hard when you are stuck in your own head, in your own crazy world. But it’s not impossible. For me, true love meant being able to give up my feelings of depression, to work through them so that I could look out of myself and see my husband. At first it was a struggle, and I wondered if maybe I shouldn’t have married in the first place. Maybe I was too sick to be with someone else. But my husband was patient. He stood by me through my dark nights. And there were many dark nights. But with prayer, a little bit of good therapy!, and time, things slowly started getting better. Now I can look at those movies and see them for what they really are – fantasy. They aren’t real life. Not even close.
Friday, March 21, 2008
Good Friday
Today is Good Friday. The day that Jesus died for our sins. It is a reverent day, and one that always brings with it sadness. For me, it is a day of recollection. A day to remember my sins, and the reason Jesus died for them. It is also a time when I try to look forward to Easter and the resurrection. We are lucky in a way that the apostles were not. We know that the resurrection is coming. But has there been a time in your life when you didn’t realize that happiness and joy were coming? When all the minutes, hours, and days of your life feel like Good Friday?
For me, there were many days like that, and sometimes, if I’m not careful, I still suffer from that feeling – that unexplainable sadness and darkness and the feeling that things will not get better. But thankfully, since my return to the Church, those days are getting further and further apart, and are not lasting nearly as long. That is something that faith brings with it – hope. Hope for the future and better days. Hope for a resurrection.
I figured this would be the best time of the year, liturgically speaking, to write about my own resurrection – at least part of it. I hope that it helps those out there who feel like everything is hopeless – there is hope. And I pray that people learn that from my story.
As you can read in the “purpose of this blog” section, I had attempted to kill myself about eight years ago. I couldn’t see the light, I was away from God, and thought that God had abandoned me. I didn’t think there was anything left to live for, and was tired of living in pain, in shame, and in anger. I didn’t think I could bear my cross any longer. So I tried to end it all. While I am not yet ready to go into all the details – I ended up in a psych hospital for about a week. During that time, I was alone. No one came to visit me. The only one who called was my boyfriend at the time, who is now my husband. And those calls, because I was in another country at the time, were only possible once a day, and I was only allowed to stay on for a few minutes, just long enough for him to say, I love you. But I began to look forward to those calls. I realized that someone loved me. That someone would be there for me. And I had taken him for granted. It was easy to do because we were so far apart. At the time I didn’t realize it, but now, I can look back and see that that relationship is similar to my relationship with Jesus.
We may think that Jesus is far apart, and may not even realize when he is calling us. And those moments when he appears in our life may be brief. But they are there just long enough for us to realize that He loves us. It could be something simple. For me, its those days when I feel a bit of happiness, even if its only for a minute. Or when someone says the exact thing that I need to hear. They may not seem like much at the time, but when we look back, we can see the love that God has for us in them.
So on this Good Friday, when the world is in darkness, think of your pain. Think of your cross, and then think of Jesus who died for us. And remember, that that is the biggest act of love – and soon, it will bring with it hope.
For me, there were many days like that, and sometimes, if I’m not careful, I still suffer from that feeling – that unexplainable sadness and darkness and the feeling that things will not get better. But thankfully, since my return to the Church, those days are getting further and further apart, and are not lasting nearly as long. That is something that faith brings with it – hope. Hope for the future and better days. Hope for a resurrection.
I figured this would be the best time of the year, liturgically speaking, to write about my own resurrection – at least part of it. I hope that it helps those out there who feel like everything is hopeless – there is hope. And I pray that people learn that from my story.
As you can read in the “purpose of this blog” section, I had attempted to kill myself about eight years ago. I couldn’t see the light, I was away from God, and thought that God had abandoned me. I didn’t think there was anything left to live for, and was tired of living in pain, in shame, and in anger. I didn’t think I could bear my cross any longer. So I tried to end it all. While I am not yet ready to go into all the details – I ended up in a psych hospital for about a week. During that time, I was alone. No one came to visit me. The only one who called was my boyfriend at the time, who is now my husband. And those calls, because I was in another country at the time, were only possible once a day, and I was only allowed to stay on for a few minutes, just long enough for him to say, I love you. But I began to look forward to those calls. I realized that someone loved me. That someone would be there for me. And I had taken him for granted. It was easy to do because we were so far apart. At the time I didn’t realize it, but now, I can look back and see that that relationship is similar to my relationship with Jesus.
We may think that Jesus is far apart, and may not even realize when he is calling us. And those moments when he appears in our life may be brief. But they are there just long enough for us to realize that He loves us. It could be something simple. For me, its those days when I feel a bit of happiness, even if its only for a minute. Or when someone says the exact thing that I need to hear. They may not seem like much at the time, but when we look back, we can see the love that God has for us in them.
So on this Good Friday, when the world is in darkness, think of your pain. Think of your cross, and then think of Jesus who died for us. And remember, that that is the biggest act of love – and soon, it will bring with it hope.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Stations of the Cross
I have prayed the Stations of the Cross since I was a child, but meditating on the stations never really meant much to me before. This Lent, I came back to stations and found so much comfort in them that I had to write a post about them. I have written out the stations based on John Paul II’s Way of the Cross. After each station, is my own personal meditation on it. I hope that perhaps you, too, will find comfort in the stations. To remember that Jesus loved me so much that he was willing to suffer and die for me, for us, is powerful. I hope that as each of you carry your cross, you remember Jesus.
FIRST STATION: Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane
Dear Jesus, although I may feel alone, just as you did in the garden, help me to remember that you know what it feels like. I am never truly alone if you are with me. Even if friends disappoint me, you are there beside me.
SECOND STATION: Jesus, Betrayed by Judas, is Arrested
Dear Jesus, when friends betray me, help me to remain strong in my faith. Though I may feel weak, confused and hurt, help me to move forward. Help me to forgive those that betray me. Although I may never forget their hurts, let me forgive, for love of you.
THIRD STATION: Jesus is Condemned by the Sanhedrin
Dear Jesus, if people question me on my faith, help me to remain strong before their questions.
FOURTH STATION: Jesus is Denied by Peter
Dear Jesus, even my friends may leave me in my times of darkness and depression. They may turn away and not know how to deal with me. Please help me to remember that even so, they love me. Please help me to remember when they were there for me when I feel as if I have been abandoned.
FIFTH STATION: Jesus is Judged by Pilate
Dear Jesus, when people judge me because of my past, or my depression, help me to remain strong. Let me amaze them by being true to my faith and my new path, just like you amazed Pilate with your strength.
SIXTH STATION: Jesus is Scourged and Crowned With Thorns
Dear Jesus, when I feel as if my pain is too much to bear, remind me that you were once crowned with thorns. Let me count each thorn in my soul as a blessing from you.
SEVENTH STATION: Jesus Bears the Cross
Dear Jesus, help me to carry my cross just as you carried the cross for me. Help me to see that even though I am suffering, you wouldn’t give me more than I could bear.
EIGHTH STATION: Jesus is Helped by Simon the Cyrenian to Carry the Cross
Dear Jesus, please help me to recognize when someone comes into my life to help me to carry my burdens, just like Simon helped you with the cross. Please let me never take them for granted.
NINTH STATION: Jesus Meets the Women of Jerusalem
Dear Jesus, please help me so that I don’t make people pity me or cry for my troubles. You tried to comfort the women f Jerusalem even though you were alone and in so much pain. Please help me so I never wallow in self-pity.
TENTH STATION: Jesus is Crucified
Dear Jesus, when people trespass against me, help me to remember the words of your prayer so that I can forgive them just as you forgave those who crucified you.
ELEVENTH STATION: Jesus Promises His Kingdom to the Good Thief
Dear Jesus, allow me to be like the good thief. When I do wrong, let me admit to it and ask for your forgiveness. May I never take your mercy for granted.
TWELFTH STATION: Jesus Speaks to His Mother and the Disciple
Dear Jesus, please help me to talk to others when I am down. Even though it may be hard to talk to them, help me to see who my true friends are, and allow me to lean on them for support.
THIRTEENTH STATION: Jesus Dies on the Cross
Dear Jesus, when I feel like my whole world is darkness, please help me to remember that you died for me. Even though I am not worthy of you, and am a sinner, help me to remember that you still love me, and loved me so much that you were willing to die for my sins.
FOURTEENTH STATION: Jesus is Placed in the Tomb
Dear Jesus, please pray for me, and allow me to see that I am never alone.
FIRST STATION: Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane
Dear Jesus, although I may feel alone, just as you did in the garden, help me to remember that you know what it feels like. I am never truly alone if you are with me. Even if friends disappoint me, you are there beside me.
SECOND STATION: Jesus, Betrayed by Judas, is Arrested
Dear Jesus, when friends betray me, help me to remain strong in my faith. Though I may feel weak, confused and hurt, help me to move forward. Help me to forgive those that betray me. Although I may never forget their hurts, let me forgive, for love of you.
THIRD STATION: Jesus is Condemned by the Sanhedrin
Dear Jesus, if people question me on my faith, help me to remain strong before their questions.
FOURTH STATION: Jesus is Denied by Peter
Dear Jesus, even my friends may leave me in my times of darkness and depression. They may turn away and not know how to deal with me. Please help me to remember that even so, they love me. Please help me to remember when they were there for me when I feel as if I have been abandoned.
FIFTH STATION: Jesus is Judged by Pilate
Dear Jesus, when people judge me because of my past, or my depression, help me to remain strong. Let me amaze them by being true to my faith and my new path, just like you amazed Pilate with your strength.
SIXTH STATION: Jesus is Scourged and Crowned With Thorns
Dear Jesus, when I feel as if my pain is too much to bear, remind me that you were once crowned with thorns. Let me count each thorn in my soul as a blessing from you.
SEVENTH STATION: Jesus Bears the Cross
Dear Jesus, help me to carry my cross just as you carried the cross for me. Help me to see that even though I am suffering, you wouldn’t give me more than I could bear.
EIGHTH STATION: Jesus is Helped by Simon the Cyrenian to Carry the Cross
Dear Jesus, please help me to recognize when someone comes into my life to help me to carry my burdens, just like Simon helped you with the cross. Please let me never take them for granted.
NINTH STATION: Jesus Meets the Women of Jerusalem
Dear Jesus, please help me so that I don’t make people pity me or cry for my troubles. You tried to comfort the women f Jerusalem even though you were alone and in so much pain. Please help me so I never wallow in self-pity.
TENTH STATION: Jesus is Crucified
Dear Jesus, when people trespass against me, help me to remember the words of your prayer so that I can forgive them just as you forgave those who crucified you.
ELEVENTH STATION: Jesus Promises His Kingdom to the Good Thief
Dear Jesus, allow me to be like the good thief. When I do wrong, let me admit to it and ask for your forgiveness. May I never take your mercy for granted.
TWELFTH STATION: Jesus Speaks to His Mother and the Disciple
Dear Jesus, please help me to talk to others when I am down. Even though it may be hard to talk to them, help me to see who my true friends are, and allow me to lean on them for support.
THIRTEENTH STATION: Jesus Dies on the Cross
Dear Jesus, when I feel like my whole world is darkness, please help me to remember that you died for me. Even though I am not worthy of you, and am a sinner, help me to remember that you still love me, and loved me so much that you were willing to die for my sins.
FOURTEENTH STATION: Jesus is Placed in the Tomb
Dear Jesus, please pray for me, and allow me to see that I am never alone.
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